“When things change, people change, it doesn’t mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply mean that you move on, and treasure all the memories”

This has been the most dramatic weekend I had. Dealt with living people and dead people. Yes, this may be the darkest entry in my blog you have ever seen so far.

“As you get older, you start attending lesser birthdays and more funeral”
My aunt passed away over the weekend. After a 10 years fight with the big C. I used to see TV programs mentioning that the big C is the No 1 killer in Singapore, and I always feel so disassociated with it. Now I feel the impact.

I am a bad nephew. I got jealous of her when my mum cooked her favourite food over the weekends for the past few years, I complained why my mum go there so often, I have been bad to my cousin, I quarreled with her …. I am bad. Now I know. How can I repay what she had done for me with what I had did? I resist looking at her for the first few days. Cos I know I will cry. But eventually, I did. I cried. And I cried and cried. In fact, I am crying as I am writing this blog. I thought that everything will be over after the funeral today. But obviously, it don’t. Life will not be the same anymore… Reunion dinner and New Year will be very very different… Who is the person I saw in the coffin? Is she really my aunt?… I remember my aunt as the one I saw during our reunion dinner. How she argued with my uncle about SMU vs NUS. I know she will looked at things differently. She had been a lot of support for me before her health detoriated. I still remember that photo, where my uncle and her carried me during their wedding night. I still don’t acknowledge who I saw in the coffin. I still don’t believe it’s her. I hope that what happened is really a bad nightmare. Yes, it’s cliche, but yup….

Uncle, I want to tell you this, but I don’t have the courage to do so… I will be a good nephew now, helping you to take care of your kids, be the big brother for them… … You have aged a lot during these few days, and I knew about how you suffered for these past few years. I will be here to help you lighten your burden… …

Now… about my dealings with the living…

well.. suddenly, it just don’t feel as important anymore. Whatever they say. Whatever they commented. Whatever they do. If they think whatever they do or say will satisfy them or feel good, so be it. It’s your choice.

“As we walk thru the friendship, there’ll be times you wouldn’t see me beside you. Don’t think I left you alone. I just choose to walk behind so I can hold you if you fall”

Before I sign off, something for the someone special in my life
“If I have a choice to choose what I’ll be in my next life, I’ll choose to be a tear, so that I can born in your eyes, live on your cheeks and die on your lips.”

Jerry
25 may 2005 2338hrs